What a Friend: Five Principles for Christian Friendships
Friendship is a massive subject. You could write whole books on it. But when it comes to a single book that offers a treasure trove of wisdom on the matter, there is perhaps no other book that compares to the book of Proverbs. This short article isn’t going to address every last relational cave and crevice. Instead, it focuses on five key principles from Proverbs that will support the structure of your friendships. Think of these principles as pillars for lasting friendships.
Principle 1: Friendship Is Discovered
Proverbs 27:9 says, “Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one’s friend springs from earnest counsel.” Friendship, the Bible tells us, is like sweet food—rich, delightful, something that brings deep pleasure. And back in the day, sweet food wasn’t mass-produced and shrink-wrapped at the supermarket. You had to go looking for it. You had to discover it.
Friendship works the same way. It isn’t something you manufacture in a lab. It’s something you find. There’s a foundation to it—an affinity, a common love, a shared vision. And if those things aren’t there, no amount of effort will conjure it up.
C.S. Lewis put it well: the spark of friendship is when one person says to another, “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” That’s how friendships begin—not with a formal contract, not with an awkward, “Do you want to be my friend?” but with the recognition that you are standing side by side, looking at the same truth, loving the same good things.[1]
Lewis goes even further:
That is why those pathetic people who simply “want friends” can never make any. The very condition of having Friends is that we should want something else besides Friends. Where the truthful answer to the question Do you see the same truth? would be “I see nothing and I don’t care about the truth; I only want a Friend”, no Friendship can arise—though Affection of course may. There would be nothing for the Friendship to be about; and Friendship must be about something, even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice. Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travellers.[2]
In other words, if you’re chasing friendship just for the sake of having friends, you won’t find it. Friendship isn’t an end in itself. It’s the byproduct of chasing after something worthwhile. It’s discovered along the way.
So, the first principle is simple: Friendship is something you discover. If you want good friends, start hunting for truth, goodness, and beauty. The right kind of people will be hunting for the same things, and when your paths cross, you'll know.
Principle 2: Friendship Is Built
Real friendship isn’t just something you find—it’s something you build. A strong foundation is important, but it’s not enough on its own. Old Testament scholar Derek Kidner, in his commentary on the book of Proverbs, outlines four building blocks of a true friendship.[3]
Constancy: A good friend is constant and loyal through all seasons, sticking closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). They love at all times (Proverbs 17:17) and offer loyalty, especially to old friends who may be neglected in favor of new company (Proverbs 27:10). A true friend loves at all times, but this doesn’t mean constant interaction—just being present when needed most.
Candor: A good friend speaks the truth, even when it is painful, as "faithful are the wounds of a friend" (Proverbs 27:6). They avoid flattery, which can lead a person astray (Proverbs 29:5). They are prepared for delayed appreciation for their honesty because they care about your growth and well-being.
Counsel: A good friend offers both encouragement and challenge, offering fellowship that strengthens and comforting advice (Proverbs 27:9). They also provide constructive criticism and healthy challenges, as seen in "iron sharpens iron" (Proverbs 27:17).
Tact: A good friend respects others' feelings, knows when to step back, and avoids forcing their friendship on others (Proverbs 25:17). They understand timing, not being too hearty when it's unwelcome (Proverbs 27:14), and know when humor is inappropriate (Proverbs 26:18-19).
So, what are these four building blocks? They’re not just abstract qualities. They are the living, breathing portrait of the greatest Friend—the one who laid down his life for us. They’re a picture of Christ. And as we build friendships, we’re not just trying to imitate a few wise sayings from Proverbs—we’re aiming to reflect the image of the One who is the truest, most constant, most candid, most counsel-giving, and most tactful Friend we’ll ever know. This naturally leads to the next point.
Principle 3: To Be a Christian Friend, You Must First Be a Friend of Jesus
This is foundational. You can’t be a true Christian friend to others unless you’re first a friend of Jesus. John 15:12-14 lays it out plainly: “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. . . . You are my friends if you do what I command you.” It’s a relationship that starts with Christ. Christian friendship is built on obedience to Christ, and a true Christian friend won’t let another Christian disobey Jesus.
So, how do you know what Jesus commands? You have to be in the word. If you’re not reading your Bible, what do you have to offer? A Christian friend can’t give what they haven’t received. So, be a friend of Jesus first.
Principle 4: You Can’t Be Friends with Everyone
This is the one that trips up many Christians. Sure, Christians ought to be friendly—we’re commanded to be so, and when we are filled with the fruit of the Spirit, it becomes a natural outflow. People will be drawn to us. It’s as simple as that.
But that doesn’t mean we should be friends with everyone. Let me say it plainly: be discerning. Wisdom is about being choosy. It’s not about keeping your arms open to anyone who comes along, especially when those people are not walking with the Lord. So, the first rule is: Don’t be friends with everyone. Be wise in who you associate with.
The struggle here is real, because we’ve been taught to be kind and loving to all. But that often makes it difficult to set boundaries. We fail to say things like, “I’m not interested in pursuing this relationship any further,” or “This group isn’t for me,” or even “I’m not comfortable with this.” And that brings us to the next principle.
Principle 5: Be Willing to Follow Wherever Jesus Leads, Even When It Challenges Your Friendships
Following Jesus means going where he leads, and sometimes, that’s going to challenge your friendships. Jesus isn’t just the tie that binds us together; he’s also the sword that separates. He’ll bring you into fellowship with some, and he’ll sever ties with others.
It’s not about being unfriendly. You can be warm and welcoming to non-believers, but understand this: if they don’t love Jesus, eventually they won’t want to be around you, no matter how friendly you are. And that’s okay. Our responsibility is to stay with Jesus. Let people come and go. You’re not the one who ties your friends to Christ—that’s not your job. Your job is to stay faithful, no matter the cost.
[1] C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves (London: Geoffrey Bles, 1960), 77.
[2] Ibid., 79.
[3] Derek Kidner, Proverbs: An Introduction and Commentary, ed. Donald J. Wiseman, vol. 17 of Tyndale Old Testament Commentaries (Downers Grove: IVP Academic, 2008), 45.
